a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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