What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
