You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
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I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
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Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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