umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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