My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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