I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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