i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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