i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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