woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I know her cup size but not her name....
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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