How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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