i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
