i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
