and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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