He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
