my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
