when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
