Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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