I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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