i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
