you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
