I should be sponsored by Trojan
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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