I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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