I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
