not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
