im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
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No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
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If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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