how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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