DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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