What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
