Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
