Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
