An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
