it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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