I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
True strength comes from lack of pants
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
