The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
