had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
