I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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