woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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