apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
