I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
