update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
