I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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