Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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