Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
