Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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