do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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