Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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