Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
