I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
