oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
