just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
