I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
