1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
