I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
