i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
