Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
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theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
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This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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