I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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