I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Two words: blizzard sex
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
