If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
