I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize