mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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