can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
