Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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